Resentment Cookies

How Unspoken Expectations Can Turn Generosity Into Resentment

Who doesn’t like cookies?

I mean, I LOVE cookies.

But, what the heck do cookies have to do with resentment, you ask?

Well, let me tell you.

Imagine that you are a girl or a guy who does a lot for people because you just love making them feel good.

Let’s say that you’re a mom, for example. You know (because you’ve watched, listened and learned) that your family L O V E S peanut butter cookies. So, you decide that you are going to make them a batch of cookies.

And they flip out (in a good way!)!

“Oh my goodness, Mom! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You’re the BEST Mom/Wife E V E R! These are our favorite cookies in the whole wide world. Thank you!”

And that, my friends, feels awesome.

Am I right or am I right?

So, you think to yourself, that really did make them so very happy. I’m gonna do that again.

So the next morning, you get up a bit earlier and you bake another batch of those yummy peanut butter cookies that your family loves so much.

They are again delighted and surprised! Two days in a row — peanut butter cookies! WOW.

So, why not do it a 3rd day? This feels good for you all.

Third day, you get up early (never mind that you had a late night last night finishing those pesky work emails and cleaning up the house before you even went to bed, starting a load of laundry and adding to the grocery list later than usual — that’s another blog for another time, I promise), because you love your family so much!

Only, today, their response is not that enthusiastic. They are delighted still, because who doesn’t love cookies for breakfast, but it’s not quite what it has been.

You are a determined person. You are going to give them some more cookies the next couple of days because maybe Day 3 was just a bit off.

Only (again), the response is a bit less than even before.

What the heck?

Following me here?

Maybe the next day, you’re a little gruffer, a little more tired, a little more frustrated and when they say “thanks, Mom/Honey,” you respond with something akin to whatever. Almost like “here’s your dang cookies…..” with a backward toss of the hand.

“What’s wrong, Mom/Honey?”

“Nothing. I’m FINE (which we all know does NOT mean fine).”

Only.

You are not fine.

You are angry. You’re hurt. You’re confused. You’re frustrated.

But none of that is what the other person is hearing.

They’re hearing “I’m fine.”

And this is one of the places relationships can get tangled up: what we’re saying out loud and what we’re actually experiencing underneath aren’t always the same conversation.

And you are feeling something known as RESENTMENT.

Resentment: a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury.

And, here’s where things get interesting.

Nobody actually asked you to make cookies five mornings in a row.

You did something loving. Their response felt wonderful. So you did it again. And again.

But somewhere along the way, something may have quietly changed. What started as something freely given began carrying an expectation with it.

Appreciation. Recognition. Reciprocity. Maybe simply some evidence that all this effort mattered.

None of those things are unreasonable to want.

The trouble is, the people eating the cookies may have no idea that this is what you’ve begun needing from them.

Sometimes resentment grows because we’ve been giving something freely — until, somewhere along the way, it isn’t entirely free anymore.

Only.

That is not what you are communicating.

We can come back to that when we talk about communicating effectively. And yes, there is such an animal!

So, you ask, “Delee, what do I do to stop feeling so resentful, so angry, so hurt?”

Glad you asked because I do have an idea. And it goes something like this:

Tomorrow morning, before you bake them a batch of those scrumptious peanut butter cookies, I want you to bake yourself the cookies that YOU LOVE (hello, white chocolate macadamia nut). And while their PB cookies are baking, you’ll be sitting there with your favorite cookie and your cuppa something yummy, taking care of yourself.

When’s the last time you tried that?

Blasphemy, you say! I’m a Mom/Wife — I can’t take care of me. I’ve got all of them to take care of.

Again I say to you — eat the cookies that you love.

When they walk into the kitchen ready to grab the cookies and be out of the door, they’ll notice something different. And likely, they’ll ask you what is going on.

To which, you will calmly reply,

“I’m eating my favorite cookies while your favorites bake.”

And you might hear, “Really? Those are your favorites? You never make those!”

Because they can’t really and truly know you if you don’t take care of yourself and show them who you are and what YOU like and enjoy.

Maybe it’s good to let the people that you love know your favorite cookie, your favorite color or music or band, your favorite movie or flower.

It’s called balance. Balance allows you to take care of you so that you can take care of them.

You know them so well…..introduce yourself to them.

And maybe there’s one more piece of balance worth considering.

Let the people you love know what you need from them, too.

Don’t make them guess.

If you’re exhausted from always being the one who does something, say so. If you’d love some appreciation, let that be known. If you’ve been hoping someone will notice how much you’re carrying, there may be a conversation waiting to happen.

Because resentment has a sneaky way of growing in the space between what we need and what we’ve actually communicated.

So the next time you notice yourself thinking,

“After everything I do around here...”

maybe don’t immediately bake another batch of cookies.

Get curious.

What am I doing that I no longer actually want to do?

What am I hoping they’ll notice without my having to ask?

What do I need that I haven’t said out loud?

And perhaps most importantly:

What conversation am I avoiding by saying, “I’m fine”?

Sometimes resentment isn’t telling us that the people we love are terrible.

Sometimes it’s telling us that something important has gone unspoken.

And that’s probably worth talking about.

Until then, take care of you ~ Delee